I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
