Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
