I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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