Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
