Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can text with my tongue
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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