Only a mothe r could love this liver
barbara walters just said penis...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
