I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
