I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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