he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize