I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
