I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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