Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize