Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
