Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
