I'm so fucking centered right now
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
