Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
