apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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