Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize