I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
