I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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