Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
