I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize