You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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