I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
