All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
