If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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