don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
