im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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