I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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