I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
