oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
