I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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