Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
this hospital has no fireball
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
