If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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