I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
