Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
