I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
