You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You left your phone here
Wait...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
