my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
