I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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