i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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