I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
