yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
