Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
