just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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