just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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