At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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