In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
