god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
