i may or may not be watching the land before time
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
