My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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