afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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