I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
now i know why i became what i already was.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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