There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
