Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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