You're completely useless in the revolution.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
