we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
