we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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