Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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