i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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