i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
