Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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